Dealing with Narcissists

Dealing with Narcissists

This is written from some personal experience, and from experiences of some of my closest friends.  This stuff really happens, so be on the lookout!

Most of us psychologically “normal” people feel pain when our friends and family feel pain.  Not the narcissist – they are not happy unless others around them are suffering.  And, this is what you need to understand.  You must prepare yourself, because chances are you will have to deal with this sooner or later.

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They will invade your social circle.  They will appear normal, but they will hide a mask of trying to make others miserable.  Once they invade your social circle, they will begin to isolate a target.  They will attack the target under the radar.  The target will defend herself.  But, the narcissist will turn it all around and make the target look bad and mean.  The narcissist will turn the entire social circle against the target.  The others in the social circle will never know this until they are the target of her rage and secret hatred of happiness.  This can go on years undetected.  Researchers at places like “Anonymous Conservative” suggest that you cannot deal with a narcissist with her own tools, because she will win – they are experts at manipulation.  You will have to cut off all ties to this person and completely avoid them – they are poison, and they are making you miserable.  All your precious memories of the narcissist are merely illusions – who you thought they were, is not real – they hid their hatred from you like an expert until you were ripe for attack.  There is a slight chance that you can get rid of the narcissist by being a clever “detective” by not leaving any stone unturned and delivering a “coup de grace” in a potentially kamikaze social strike.  This may or may not work, since the narcissist has built many allies who are equally fooled as you are, but are not yet targets of the narcissist.  You will probably lose until the others figure out just how nasty the narcissist secretly is.

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What are you to do?  You must take action.  You cannot allow these people to continue in your life.  You have to figure out a way to completely break contact with them, even if you risk losing friends in the trust of the dangerous narcissist.  Get away.  Get as far away as you can.

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Here is one likely scenario.  In your usual circle of friends, you begin to get a loss of eye contact.  Select people begin to avoid you.  The firm handshake gives way to the “no handshake” and even you may not get a greeting at all.  Then, you wonder what the hell is going on.  Suddenly, someone normally passive toward you, does something passive aggressive – like, takes one of your trophies (symbolizing success and happiness) and marks all over it with a marker.  You ask this person about the incident.  They reply with aggressiveness of which shocks you immensely coming from this person who had previous little interaction with you.  You ask for an apology, but do not get it, and you shrug it off as someone who is just socially inept or perhaps depressed.  Then, you notice other forms of passive aggressive behavior from this person, but they recruit someone close to you to unknowingly participate in this passive-aggression.

Now, you are in a situation where a person who is virtually invisible to you has committed passive-aggression against you, and has embedded themselves into a family member and is committing nasty acts, and this family member is unwittingly participating.  You wonder “Who in the hell does this person think she is?”  You perform investigations over a period of time and discover that this narcissist has turned a substantial portion of a social circle against you with lies.  The investigation is clear.  The evidence is clear.  But what do you do?

You must take absolute control over the situation.  Do not allow this to continue more than one week after you have identified the Narcissist, and have resolved to take action. 

(1)Break all contact. 

Those who are your close friends and family – you will have to tell them you are breaking all contact with the narcissist and also breaking all contact with associates of the narcissist.  If you do not break contact with the narcissist’s associates, you will be involved in a poisoned social circle, which nobody needs in their lives.

(2) Make it absolutely clear to the Narcissist that you will not compromise on the ultimatum.

Do not even allow them the possibility of ever renewing any kind of relationship with you or your family.  They are programmed robots and will merely resume their poisonous and destructive behavior.

(3) Do not hesitate in breaking off friendships with allies of the Narcissist.

This may be painful, but you cannot allow a narcissist in your life.  If this means breaking friendship with others, so be it.  This is where people may go wrong and hesitate.  YOU CANNOT HESITATE ON THIS POINT!  Remember, this social circle is already poisoned, and you are probably being negatively affected by this person anyway, so new friends will be a breath of fresh air anyway – or rekindle old relationships you have neglected.  Again – DO NOT HESITATE or you will be sorry.

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There are of course, savvy ways of dealing with nasty people, which involves getting nasty yourself.  If you need details, feel free to send me an email, and we may be able to speak over the phone about some very effective weapons you can use.  This is only if you are willing to get your hands dirty.