Deleting Poisonous People
A
healthy person has to prune his social circle about once every 3-5 years. You will discover the depressed person (who
relishes in their depression), the narcissist, or the coward. Sometimes it takes time to learn these
important things about people. But, you
will have to delete these people. We
usually cannot choose family or blood, but we can choose who we hang out with regularly.
To
be a winner, you will have to do what winners do. Sometimes winners do things that ordinary
people find difficult impossible, or uncomfortable.
Tim
Ferris once said that success is directly related to the number of
uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have. This sounds true to me. In his book, The 4 Hour Workweek, this
section jumped out at me for the truth value it carries and the ageless wisdom
it contains:
Exact numbers aren’t needed to realize that we spend too
much time with those who poison us with pessimism, sloth, and low expectations
of themselves and the world. It is often the case that you have to fire certain
friends or retire from particular social circles to have the life you want.
This isn’t being mean; it is being practical. Poisonous people do not deserve
your time. To think otherwise is masochistic.
The best way to approach a potential break is simple:
Confide in them honestly but tactfully and explain your concerns. If they bite
back, your conclusions have been confirmed. Drop them like any other bad habit.
If they promise to change, first spend at least two weeks apart to develop
other positive influences in your life and diminish psychological dependency.
The next trial period should have a set duration and consist of pass-or-fail
criteria.
If this approach is too confrontational for you, just
politely refuse to interact with them. Be in the middle of something when the
call comes, and have a prior commitment when the invitation to hang out comes.
Once you see the benefits of decreased time with these people, it will be
easier to stop communication altogether.
I’m not going to lie: It sucks. It hurts like pulling out a
splinter. But you are the average of the five people you associate with most,
so do not underestimate the effects of your pessimistic, unambitious, or disorganized
friends. If someone isn’t making you stronger, they’re making you weaker.
Remove the splinters and you’ll thank yourself for it.
This is brilliant advice.
The question will come about enemies and
swords sharpening swords, and conflict being good for the soul. This is very correct. Here is the problem.
Many Americans think that being positive is
the absence of conflict or discomfort.
This is false. Being positive is
exactly what it means in science: forward movement. You are in a positive environment if you are
growing and moving forward, despite conflict and stress. Eu-stress is good: biking for one hour or
lifting weights is good stress. Distress is
bad: being injured or having a conversation with a person in despair is bad
stress.
Freddy
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