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Some Thoughts on how to get out
Once you make your decision to leave, there are many things to think about. If you are not married, that is a good thing. If you are married, then that will be a problem. If married, one must strengthen the marital relation. Increase the number of talks, dates, and communication, avoiding too much talk about religion. Think back to before one was “in church,” if applicable. How was it like? What was different? Contact your old long lost friends, and contact members of your family that you lost or avoided contact since you “got religion.” And, above all, convince yourself in writing of your reasons and intentions for leaving. Debate with yourself. Analyze the entire situation. And, write it down for reference in those times when you lose nerve. Remember this will be a hard time, so you must plan for hard times, and possibly write down a coping strategy beforehand. Reach out to people that you avoided. Those people at work that you did not want to reach back when they attempted friendship – strike up a conversation with them. Learn how to talk to others in a casual, playful way. Talk about life in general, but not too much on your hurt lest you alienate them. Build relationships. Remember this will take longer because normal people do not “jump into friendships” as promiscuously as Pentecostals. The friendships will build slower, but in the long run will be much stronger and stable. Restrain your emotions. Pentecostals are hypersensitive. Learn not to blow off your top at petty things like Pentecostals do. Take life’s worries in stride and think about your response for a while before responding to something immediately.
In discussions of religion with former coreligionists, do not ever speak with any emotion whatsoever. If they become slightly emotional or agitated, stop the conversation – this is very important. They might not be ready and their hypersensitive responses can affect your emotional stability for days if shocking enough. Keep it civil. If you know of former members that are hypersensitive, do not speak of religion. If asked a question, keep to one-sentence answers and go no further. Stonewall. Do not allow the conversation to proceed. It might only get you upset and you might not break out for a few days. Possibly, write down a standard response for those hypersensitive people and go no farther. “I do not agree with many of the things that we did.” And go no farther with those who are emotional. Be persistent in changing the subject in these cases. In no case allow the conversation to become emotional. You must take care of yourself first.
In changing your life, go slowly and at a leisurely pace. Do not go off on the deep end and start drinking a six-pack of beer. Start drinking very little if you wish to drink. As far as changing your appearance, do it slowly and one thing at a time. Do not cut your hair off completely, but maybe trim it little by little – if a woman. If a man, try out shorts around the house for a few months. Then after a time, try growing a beard. Try a few things, but keep the pace slow as to not shock your coworkers. Slow is the rule. Dabble a little here and a little there and you will soon find what proportions of change is right for you. Keep notes on your progress. In the future, you can look back at the rate of progress as a guide to future changes.
As far as talking about religion to a wife of loved one, proceed as long as the conversation does not become shocking and confrontational. If people get defensive, save the conversation for another day. This will be painful. Do not offer too much advice, but allow the other to talk and to get out the things on their chests. Facilitate them to talk of the hurt, the loss, and everything else. There might be weeping. This is good as long as no one starts a fight. Allow them to weep. Ask gentle questions to bring things to the surface. No accusing, and no defensiveness. If a confrontation happens, stop and wait for the next day. You will be at this for years, but the hardest part is the beginning and it gets easier as time goes by.
Those are a few of my thoughts. Anyone else with coping strategies?
JP Istre
