derkrash-at-yahoo-dot-com
After leaving Pentecost, there are strange emotions that we have to deal with for years. Sometimes these emotions hit us at the strangest and most irritating times. The problem is that it is painful to think about these things. After the emotion passes, we really do not wish to deal with it because it hurts.
However, I have personally found a plan of action that helped me out to deal with all this emotional baggage. I started writing a journal when I was around 18 years old or so. After a few years, when I started questioning the Oneness Pentecostal doctrines, I found the journal to be invaluable. I could argue with myself, I could curse, I could scream, and I could work out things on paper that otherwise would have been floating around in my emotional mind without being confronted. The strange thing is that some things can trigger emotions and we do not know what caused them. Writing about this stuff in a private journal, we might be able to reconstruct the event and work our way backward to see what triggered the emotion. After we find out what caused the emotion, we can probably figure out the root of the emotion after writing and struggling with it for a few paragraphs. Often, a historical event, or a series of teachings, causes these emotional triggers. We have to go back to these teachings and triggers, and write them down, deconstruct them, explain them and then tie them up to the recent emotional trigger. The knowledge of the root of a particular emotional problem is most of the battle. Knowledge makes the pain go away. Ignorance of the root of these emotions is what makes us fear – that feeling of helplessness that haunts us every so often. But once we write it down on paper or on the screen, we can see it in plain view. It makes it more real to us in print. For some reason the written word makes things more real to us than mere speech or thought. Also, it is a historical archive that we can look at again months and years hence to reflect and maybe even understand more after time has passed.
So, how does one go about writing in a journal? Well, there are two ways: one can write in a notebook or one can write it in a word processor. The good thing about a notebook is that you cannot delete it or it will not disappear in a computer crash. The good thing about a computer is that a large text file with several entries over a period of years is searchable by the word search in case you would want to look for a particular subject without plowing through the whole file. The thing about a private journal is that one should take steps to keep it private and not disclose it to anyone except on rare occasions. If it is on Microsoft Word, I suggest that the file be password protected. Each entry should have a date – always date your entries for future reference years in the future. Of course, always save copies of the file regularly.
Remember that this journal is for you. You are to write down anything and everything without any personal censorship. If you feel hate, you write, “I hate this!” If you are angry, scream on the page as if you were cursing someone out or however you wish to do it. Here is an angry except from a few years back:
“The sermon Sunday morning at Concord was a bit shocking. He was ranting and raving about people that should leave and that he would give them a good recommendation. He also ranted about people not calling him when they were to miss service. Call Dada and tell him you not comin’ to da house tonite! What a damn fool! How can this adult say such crap? I do not know what he is up to, I do not know what his vision or mission is, but I quit. I will not be a part of such nonsense any longer. It is funny how some people want so much control over the lives of others. I cannot understand such things I guess because I have no desire to control anyone.”
Anyway, you get the point. You can start off by using word stems to begin the process. You can start, “I feel bad when I think about [fill in the blank].” “I hate my former pastor because he [fill in the blank].” Or: “That day in the pastor’s office when he looked at he with those eyes of hatred and anger, something died within me. My hands were sweating, I was dying inside and I was sick after I got home. How could people do this to me!!!!”
Pouring out one’s soul to paper initially feels weird. Dealing with the pain is painful. But after one finishes up an entry and a particular problem, it feels better because it is like an emotional exhaust that was bottled up inside ready to explode. Do it like this: Write until it hurts, and then keep on writing until it feels better. Trust me, once you have written everything that you can write about a particular problem on paper, you will feel better. Write and write and write until you feel that you have broken through. It is like pouring out blood. Or, you can think of it as coughing up poison and all the nasty phlegm from a chest cold. Coughing it up can be initially nasty, but it feels better once it all comes up.
And so, there you go. I work through all my baggage in this manner and have found it very therapeutic. It might save you a trip to an expensive shrink. But sometimes problems are so bad that we need a shrink to guide us, though.
Those of you who perform these experiments, let me know how it turns out. That is how I work through my struggles, even today. My journal is one of my most prized possessions. I can look at entries years ago and see how I worked through the pain.
And good luck.
JP Istre
